A Long Way Home - The Graveyard and a Sign

 "Oh Andrew. Please help me. I have no clue what I am doing. Jace told me that you wanted him to take care of me. Did you?" She paused as if waiting for an answer. "Ugh! It's not like you are going to answer me. But did you have to leave me? I know you were sick, but why couldn't you stay with me? For a little while longer. It's selfish, I know. But I needed you." She gestured down to her belly. "We needed you."

"As you can see I am having a baby. Your baby." She whispered. "And I have struggled since your death to adjust to life. Then this happened. I have had no one to share it with. Yes I say no one. You want me to be with Jace. I know. He told me, but he wants something from me that I do not feel like I can give. And yet, I am so emotional and..." She gulped and closed her eyes. "Jealous of the girl he is with. That he went to because I refused him I think."

"Oh god." She slammed her hands on the grass in a soundless smack. "Why? Why is this happening? I pushed him away because on the surface I cannot see him as anything other than your best friend. Inside...I want him. I loved him as your friend. How can I honestly sit here and say that I love him as more than that now without seeming like I did when you were alive?"

Tears had begun falling out of frustration and sorrow. She sat on her knees with her hand on the grass staring off through the stones. Names of loved ones etched into stone...their legacy...leaving their families to sort things out. She briefly wondered how they made it. "I know you knew I loved you. With every fiber of my being. So you can see why it is difficult to push that aside and move on. He is here though. Well...he was. Now, he is in Montana. Without me. Without us." She sobbed. "He left me like you did. I am alone."

"I am alone."

A leaf fell and landed in her lap. She sucked in a breath, wiped her face, and picked up the leaf. Looking up she examined the tree. The cycle of rebirth. Renewal. Maybe she should take a page out of the tree's book. "Why can't I be with him? You are gone aren't you? You are in my heart and no matter what happens you will be with me. In my heart. In my mind. And in this child. Our child." She placed a hand on her stomach and a strong kick startled her. Chuckling, she wiped her tears. "I guess your child agrees with that."

"But this was our home. Can I walk away from that? From this ranch to another?" It might be easier to start a new life with Jace in a place where we can make our own memories. "If he wants to be with me still."

The baby began to move in earnest as the wind kicked up more leaves. A fat raindrop hit her hand. "I guess this is my sign. Renewal." As she stood slowly, the burden she previously felt was dissipating. The walk back to the car was slow going. She was locking up a little from sitting so long on her knees. Most of the thoughts were now lost in the wind. She had no clue what she was going to do now, but at least she had some peace. Slipping into the car, she shivered and turned the engine over and headed home.

A Long Way Home - Just a ride

It was a lazy afternoon with work completed. When he came inside, Andrew suggested a ride to soak in the autumn colors. Agreeing to the proposition, a quiet kiss was placed on her lips as he turned and walked out. His stride was sure. He had saddled up the horses as she gathered some snacks. The sight of him, seemingly healthy, checking the horses took her breath away. With all her heart, she had wished she could stand on the porch viewing that sight for all of eternity. Maggie came bounding toward her, letting out an excited bark. Andrew's attention shifted back toward her with a brilliant smile on his face.

 "Ready?" He asked as she walked toward him.

 "Yes my love." She slipped her arms around him and hugged him tight. "Whenever you are. Where are we headed?"

 "Nowhere! Just riding. I hope that is okay." He shifted toward her horse.

 "Perfect."

 They climbed into the saddles and began their journey. Slowly climbing the trail, the heartache and worry disappeared behind them. It was just them and the world. Colors of burgundy, mustard, gold, and brown brightened each step. The quietness of the climb didn't take away from the closeness she had felt to him.

 A little over an hour they summited with a breathtaking view looking out over the valley. Slipping from the saddle, they settled on a rock with an apple as a snack. "This was a good idea." She spoke softly. "I love riding with you."

 "It is the same for me darling." He took a bite and looked at her. "There was something I wanted to talk to you about."

 "Oh?" She waited patiently.

 "When I die, I want you to move on. Find someone to marry and have a real life."

 His words brought her gaze to his. "I can't do that Andrew. There is only you in my heart."

 "What we have is wonderful Melanie, but this is not a real life. I am half a man. Maybe not even that."

 "You are not just half a man. You are more than most men will ever be. Don't say that." Frustrated with him, she stood up and paced away.

 He remained where he was sitting. "Melanie...you have meant the world to me. I wouldn't change having this life even with the sickness. But to ask me not to want more for you darling, that is not alright."

 She shook her head and wrapped her arms around herself. The brilliant colors were lost. The peaceful mood she obtained on the ride disappeared. "But I do not want more. I just want you."

 "I know you want children. And you deserve them."

 She turned and looked at him in exasperation. "We can have children. Adoption is an option. Or we could find a surrogate to carry a child."

 "Oh Melanie. I am too sick to have a child. I would be no help."

 "Don't say that. You are not too sick. We can have the life we wanted and planned for."

 "Melanie...we can't. I am going to die soon." The words hung in the air. Words that remained unspoken until this moment. They seemed as if they were choking the air. He couldn't take them back.

 Her voice was but a whisper. "You are not going to die soon. You can't leave me."

 He stood up then and pulled her close. Slowly his finger pushed her face up so he could look into her eyes. "Yes my love, I am. We cannot pretend any more. I want you to prepare for it."

 "I don't want to prepare for it. I want you to be with me forever." She knew that she sounded like a child, but she cannot help it.

 "I will be with you forever." He placed his hand on her heart. "In your heart. In your memories. I will always remain. You would only need to think of me to have me."

 "Oh Andrew." The tears began streaming down her face. "I cannot live without you. I don't want to."

 His arms pulled her tight against him. "I know my darling. I know. But above anything, I want you to be happy. I need to know that without a shadow of a doubt that you will be happy. With or without me."

 "Please Andrew. Let's not talk about this." She pleaded.

 "Tell me Melanie. Make that promise to me. Make the promise to find happiness for yourself...and for me after I am gone." His lips brushed her wet cheek. "Promise Melanie." He whispered.

 "I promise Andrew. I promise." The words were barely spoken. But the words were enough.

A Long Way Home - A Letter from Andrew

My Lovely Melanie~

You and I both knew that this day was coming. The day I would be leaving your arms forever. Please my love, do not despair. I will be with you again one day. Until that day, I will be looking down on you, watching the rest of your life unfold before my eyes. The time I have spent with you has been the light of my life. You were always someone I could come to when my heart was heavy and I needed an ear to release. I want to thank you for that. The strength you have shown through our life together, all the ups and the downs, has made me realize the love I have for you and the sincerity of your heart. 

Having to deal with cancer at such a young stage of our marriage has been hard on you. Thank you for staying beside me and enduring twice the amount I have had to. But there are issues I still worry over, before I can go. My love, please find it in your heart to move on. To be happy. To share the love you have with someone worthy. The thought of you doing that will carry me through the next phase of my life. I need you to be happy!

I would like you to know that I have entrusted Jace with your safe keeping. He has always loved you. Sometimes I feel he has loved you more than I did. In the times I have been to weak to show you, he has been there to wipe your tears and give you the strength I have always longed to give you. In life, we are each given battles to conquer. Mine has been cancer and leaving you in the trusty hands of Jace. Your battle will be moving past this and finding the love you have for him.

I hope one day you will realize it and know that my life might have been to bring you together. That's what I know right now. The purpose of my life was to bring you into his. To show you the love he has. To share with you the precious years we had as a family. There is nothing I would change. Not even dealing with the cancer. It has given me the strength to show you the truth. It has given me the strength to say goodbye to you. 

I love you Melanie. Remember that for the rest of your life. Keep me in your heart. Allow me to be the strength that pushes you to find love.

I love you always,

Andrew

A Long Way Home - A Letter from Jace

Melanie,

                In the time I have known you, I have seen the loyalty and faith you have as a person. When I accused you of not being loyal to Andrew, it came from anger and jealousy. The feelings I have are not feelings I should be having for my best friend’s wife. Try as I might, I cannot stop those feelings. Nor can I follow through with the promise I made to Andrew. You are one hell of a woman. I know that you can do whatever you want without help.

                You are, as always, a gem in this world. Your child will be lucky to have you as a mom. I wish you all the love in the world.

Wishing the best for you,

Jace

Sharing a Little...From A Long Way Home

I think any author can tell you stripping a novel through editing removes many scenes and other aspects. This is such a heart and gut wrenching process. When I was editing and revising A Long Way Home, I had scenes that killed me to remove. I would sit here and ask the simple question "Does this add or take away from the story?" And rightfully so, I struggled to answer.

In the spirit of NANOWRIMO, I am providing a look at some of the scenes and letters removed from A Long Way Home. Please look forward to them during November! Feel free to ask questions or share with me something you had to edit...or a scene in a book where you questioned the author's inclusion!