"Oh Andrew. Please help me. I have no
clue what I am doing. Jace told me that you wanted him to take care of me. Did
you?" She paused as if waiting for an answer. "Ugh! It's not like you
are going to answer me. But did you have to leave me? I know you were sick, but
why couldn't you stay with me? For a little while longer. It's selfish, I know.
But I needed you." She gestured down to her belly. "We needed
you."
"As you can see I am having a baby.
Your baby." She whispered. "And I have struggled since your death to
adjust to life. Then this happened. I have had no one to share it with. Yes I
say no one. You want me to be with Jace. I know. He told me, but he wants
something from me that I do not feel like I can give. And yet, I am so
emotional and..." She gulped and closed her eyes. "Jealous of the
girl he is with. That he went to because I refused him I think."
"Oh god." She slammed her hands
on the grass in a soundless smack. "Why? Why is this happening? I pushed
him away because on the surface I cannot see him as anything other than your
best friend. Inside...I want him. I loved him as your friend. How can I
honestly sit here and say that I love him as more than that now without seeming
like I did when you were alive?"
Tears had begun falling out of frustration
and sorrow. She sat on her knees with her hand on the grass staring off through
the stones. Names of loved ones etched into stone...their legacy...leaving
their families to sort things out. She briefly wondered how they made it.
"I know you knew I loved you. With every fiber of my being. So you can see
why it is difficult to push that aside and move on. He is here though.
Well...he was. Now, he is in Montana
"I am alone."
A leaf fell and landed in her lap. She
sucked in a breath, wiped her face, and picked up the leaf. Looking up she
examined the tree. The cycle of rebirth. Renewal. Maybe she should take a page
out of the tree's book. "Why can't I be with him? You are gone aren't you?
You are in my heart and no matter what happens you will be with me. In my
heart. In my mind. And in this child. Our child." She placed a hand on her
stomach and a strong kick startled her. Chuckling, she wiped her tears. "I
guess your child agrees with that."
"But this was our home. Can I walk
away from that? From this ranch to another?" It might be easier to
start a new life with Jace in a place where we can make our own memories.
"If he wants to be with me still."
The baby began to move in earnest as the
wind kicked up more leaves. A fat raindrop hit her hand. "I guess this is
my sign. Renewal." As she stood slowly, the burden she previously felt was
dissipating. The walk back to the car was slow going. She was locking up a
little from sitting so long on her knees. Most of the thoughts were now lost in
the wind. She had no clue what she was going to do now, but at least she had
some peace. Slipping into the car, she shivered and turned the engine over and
headed home.
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